Why Am I Dating You Again?

So I've come to a realization in church today. If I don't expect anything thing from anyone, I'll be happier. Sadly this realization came from my boyfriend. Sometimes I wonder why were dating, I wonder if he realizes that he makes me feel like shiz all the time by conveniently being too busy for me, not putting his arm around me, always bringing up his ex girlfriend, and I always feel lonely. Hes my boyfriend and I'm feeling lonely??! Sadly I know that if I don't expect anything from him and be free, independent, and don't plan anything that would work around him, things will work out. Do I want this kind of life? I like guys that are all about me, but sadly those guys that are- I'm not into them. This is God's form of birth control. I'm over it, I'm going to try a new goal for the next week- don't give anyone expectations, especially Harris. This goes for work and friends. Im tried of getting ditched. I need a plan B at all times. Looking back, "plan B" relationships never worked out (actually all my past relationships never worked out). But those ones died with a extra sore heart because I worked so hard for it because the guy wasn't. Why don't I just break up with him now? Save myself the heartache and the time? (oh man- time is not on my side in utah and idaho) That is a good question, one that I find myself asking daily.

So here might be another bad decision- I think I might want to step back from dating Mr. Right. He isn't treating me like he used to. My mom and my brother that I listen to the most are telling me not to say anything and let the whole thing brush over, and my friends are telling me to talk to him about how badly he is treating me. By badly I don't mean he's mean to me. He is completely forgetting about me because he is "too busy". When you look at it, he really is busy with his music, but I've been sick all weekend and still am and I never heard from him while he was working on his music in the city. I talked to him last night when he got home at MIDNIGHT for about an hour (which btw- he always has an excuse to leave before he comes and lets me know on his way over) and I didn't want to seem upset so I just played the whole thing aloof and acted like I was happy, sick, and tired. Its so hard to act happy when I'm stuck in bed all day. I want to be busier than him so I can keep up and not notice him but its too hard. I'm not in school, don't have a job that's an hour away and don't have such a time demanding hobby. I'm trying to get back into rock climbing, just signed up to take my credentialing test and am studying for my GRE exam but it doesn't even compare to how busy he is. It sucks that hes not making time for me. I want to be happy and act like everything is fine but I'm sick and not happy. He reminds me of this guy I dated when I was 16. I keep trying to imagine its that guy because I got over him, but its too hard when hes my "boyfriend". I know that if i talk to him, he will probably change for a couple weeks at the most, but if I don't and gamble that things work out.. then I'm gambling. I suck at gambling. Maybe I should just talk to him. What I would really like to do is talk to him with no feeling and emotion. Then I would feel in control and better, but I don't know if I can talk to him without emotion. He's been messing with my head all week. I just feel like he wants to have a girlfriend because hes always had a companion. That's why I don't get into relationships this fast, because they don't know know what they have and they treat me like crap. I'm sick of this shiz. He's so into himself that he is completely forgetting about me. Maybe this is my sign that he isn't the one for me. Love is easy, this is not. He definitely liked me better before we made it official. Should I talk to him or not? Should I lose my mind thinking about someone that doesnt care about me or by opposing most likely end the relationship?
"to be or not to be, that is the question: whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them?"

Insecure Because Its Going Great ("I hate Goodbyes")

Is it so weird that I feel so scared because things are going well...like too well... like he's gonna break up with me soon. I can sadly see it coming. Its too good to be true. So as you can conclude I dumped the sloppy guy, and went for the gorgeous, dry kisser, which has evolved into some of the best kissing I have had. We made it offish on valentines day. Go figure that was the day that Sloppy freaked out and I had to break up with him.. again! I was so over him! Anyways, I'm dating Mr. Right and I keep getting this weird feeling, it usually comes when we're parting ways. Its usually a look like, "what am I doing.." So lately when I feel like that I start to pull away more. He's my boyfriend but I'm just waiting for him to wisen up and realize that he got into a relationship without even knowing me. I'm not dissing on myself, I know I'm a catch. Its just usually the guy figures it out after we break up. I usually get treated like shit and I put up with it forever and then I snap and end it and then the guy comes crawling back, but the thing that's different is that they will, and still are, willing to do anything to win me back. I think I'm so used to my love life sucking that its throwing me off that I think he likes me. I just hate that feeling I get when I leave. I need to have that feeling like I need to push him to go home, not the other way around. I need to get him to chase me again, I think he still kinda is, but I need to let him do it more, give him more space and time to miss me.

This is him... lovely, and of good report and praiseworthy..
Sad that I honestly don't ever see myself getting married, at least to someone I really like. Last night we were making out and I wanted to turn away and cry because it was too good to be true. And I honestly believe that, I'm the girl that people date- not marry. And I'm so tired of dating and being vulnerable.

Licking My Face Isnt Going To Help

I dont know what it is with break ups that make guys use more spit when they kiss! First off, kissing me more after saying there isn't a connection for me is not going to make me want to change my mind! Secondly, I can feel my pores clogging with saliva and start to itch drives me up the wall! Stop it! I want to yell at him but I'm pretty sure hes going mac hard is cuz he thinks he'll win me over with his sex appeal and suction cup kisses. I think I hate that more than anything. I kept looking around with that annoyed defeated stare thinking, "sucks to be me right now". I tried to be nice by saying that I just plain wasn't feeling it anymore and him saying, "okay, call me on valentines day and well work something out." I Don't Want To Go Out With You On V-Day! man, I feel kinda bad about that but I dont wanna fake it with a guy and then lead him on and have a harder break up.
Just the thought of the other guy, who I went out with last night makes me happy. I had such a good time. Best night with him so far. We went rock climbing, then when home dressed up and went out to eat, then came back for a little "spanky time" (making out) and then we went hot tubing. We made up this story about how we just got married in Vegas about 3 weeks ago because we couldn't wait anymore and were planning on getting married in the temple in the summer.  We said we hadnt told anyone yet cuz both our families were crazy and we felt ok about telling them because we didnt know them. OMG it was so funny! we were acting like newly weds, it was so awesome! and then we went home and had some more spanky time and watched nacho libre and then talked/ slept in my bed till 4 and he left after making plans to watch the sunrise in the morning. so hott, except i slept in a half hour after it came up and woke him up just in time to go to work, (saved the day). It was one of those dates that made me smile all day afterward :)

This Is Not The First Time

So, it may not be normal to kiss 2 guys on the same day, and then start rotating each guy every other day- but I'm doing it, and it isn't the first time. Welcome to my blog.
Both are great guys and I cant decide which one I like better, probably because they are both relatively new in my life.  Guy number ONE- great guy.  He's mastering in music, he's an organist. To me, he looks kinda like Jason Mraz, with the personality of Jim Carey and the voice of James Stewart. We always do fun things together, we have friends that we always do things together with.  But sometimes I wonder if he is too much. Also- slobbery kisses. Some times I look away and imagine a dog is slobbering all over me in this short suction cup kind of kiss.  I want to say something but I don't want to hurt his feelings.
Side note: I watched Abduction tonight with him- omg that movie.. horrible plot, confusing, and I will never get those hours back in my life.
Anyways- then there's Guy number TWO- hes the more recent of the two and the chemistry is a-boomin'! Very smart and attractive, and how could he not know it. I dont like dating hott guys- here are my reasons: 1. stuck up 2. higher possibility to cheat on you (girls flaunt themselves, used to lots of attention, always looking for the greener side, etc..) 3. no personality (didnt have to try like a short or ugly guy who did and now are funny and awesome). But through all of this, I want to give him a shot. He's a nerd and seems like he's into me and I like him so far, but I'm not letting my guard down yet. I'm not stupid! He loves playing guitar and working with music and computers. Hes a pretty dang good kisser too, am I surprised? A little dry though in comparison to guy one. I realized why he always wants gum when we hang out- I can still smell him; breath not so hott. Anyways- to sum it up: I like him a lot, but don't trust him yet.



So knowing from past experiences, I need to choose one soon. I got in too deep before and got hurt. This arrangement is dangerous, but still do-able.